"Barry Bonds in the news. Yesterday Barry Bonds’ agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the agent admitted he’s on more drugs than Barry Bonds."
-Conan O'Brien
"Sen. Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, and . . . clean. I think we’ve seen the shortest presidential campaign in history."
-Jay Leno
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering a bill to ban the sale of incandescent light bulbs. Arnold isn’t worried about saving energy, he’s just tired of trying to say the word "incandescent.”
-Conan O'Brien
"After hitting record high temperatures earlier this month, New York has now hit a record low. It was 9 degrees in Central Park today. They’re warning New Yorkers now not to leave their middle fingers exposed for more than a couple of seconds."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"The president proposes a drastic measure [on screen: Bush proposing a special advisory council on the war on terror comprised of 'leaders in Congress from both political parties']. What? Both parties in an advisory role? I think they already have something like that. I think it's called Congress."
-Jon Stewart
"According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I don’t know . . . The only time I have ever seen a marijuana user look panicky is when they are out of marijuana."
-Jay Leno
Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter is causing a controversy because he’s appearing completely nude in a play. Critics say it’s a bold move for Radcliffe — especially since the play is "Oklahoma.”
-Conan O'Brien
"Do you folks have Oscar fever? The Al Gore documentary, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' is nominated for two Academy Awards. One Academy Award is for best song. ... I think they deserve an award just for finding something that rhymes with ethanol."
-David Letterman
"We do this show from the West Coast, so because of the time differences, while you’re at home sitting in front of the TV in your underwear, I too am at home sitting in front of the TV in my underwear. Only I’m watching Conan."
-Jimmy Kimmel